Dear Snooki

I'm just not sure what to tell the kids...

Dear Snooki,

I recently heard that you've written a book. I'm not sure what it's about, but I'm guessing its about..well, being Snooki. Cause really...what else could it be about? I'm assuming there will be a book tour involved. But wait..aren't you having a baby? How do you go on a book tour with a baby?

Oh, nevermind, I'm sure you'll work it out.

I just hope you don't leave the baby with that greasy looking guy with the muscles. You know the one I mean, right? I think I saw on a tabloid cover that you and he had...well, you know. Oh wait, maybe that was the other greasy looking guy with the muscles. Sorry, Snooki, I just cant keep them straight.

It would probably help if I actually watched your show. But I gotta tell you, I just can't do it. I tried.  Once. Maybe twice. And honestly, Snooks, it depressed me. It just wasn't entertaining, though it was thought provoking, in a wow-what-has-our-country-come-to kind of way. Don't get me wrong. I think trash TV definitely has its place, and I have been known to lock myself in my basement to hang with the Real Housewives of New Jersey on occasion, but mainly because their kind of crazy makes me feel much much better about my own kind of crazy. Nothing about your kind of crazy made me feel better about my own kind of crazy. Your kind of crazy just made me want to take a shower.

So, as I was saying, I'm sure there's a book tour coming up, and if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a huge favor.

Please don't come here.

It's not you personally. It's just that my kids are getting older, and if they saw people lined up in front of the book store to see you, they would ask what your book is about. And I'm thinking that after I tell them it's about being Snooki, and they ask what a Snooki is, I wouldn't know what else to say. You see, I'm trying to teach them that books are valuable tools that can help them learn all about the world, and that people buy books because they believe the author has something of value to say. If they saw, say, Maya Angelou signing books, I could tell them that she's an amazing author and poet who writes about all kinds of things, including equality, and history, and acceptance. If they saw you signing books, well, I'm just not sure what I could possibly tell them except...Oh, look...it's Snooki. Signing her book about...nookie.

I'm sure you can see why this just wouldn't work. As I said, it's not personal. I would tell those Kardashian sisters the same thing if they were writing a book. I mean, how do I explain to my children why those people are famous? OK, so I admit it. I actually watched their show a few times, but then I had to turn it off, because I had an overwhelming urge to take a shower.

I'm sure you can see where I'm coming from. I mean, you're going to be a mom soon, too.

So from one mom to another, please, no book tour stops for us.

If you decide to come here anyway, please just let me know.

So I can plan to be in the shower.











This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

Molly June 07, 2012 at 10:04 PM
You are a nasty person, you know nothing about her as a person or how she will be as a mother.
M Fultz June 07, 2012 at 10:23 PM
Thank you, Maryann. You made me smile.
Maryann June 07, 2012 at 11:33 PM
Hi Molly! Thanks so much for reading! You are absolutely right. I have no idea how she will be as a mother. Nor did I claim to have any such knowledge anywhere in this post. P.S...it's called humor ;)
Maryann June 07, 2012 at 11:33 PM
Thanks M Fultz--you've made my day!
Jessica D June 07, 2012 at 11:50 PM
You. Must. Be. Joking.
Chris B. June 08, 2012 at 12:20 AM
Are you kidding with this? First of all, why are you under the impression anyone cares about what you think about Snookie? But more importantly, why in the world did the "editor" of this site allow such idiotic commentary to be published? I read this for the local news and happenings. Not to hear some desperate soccer mom run her mouth off and pass judgement on a reality tv personality. What a shame. Pathetic!
Maryann June 08, 2012 at 12:44 AM
Thanks for reading Chris! Actually, my kids don't play soccer. I prefer to sit them in front of the tv so they can watch reality shows, and hopefully one day pass judgement for themselves. You're correct in your assessment that I am desperate, though. Usually for a very large margarita. With salt.
Mary June 08, 2012 at 01:25 AM
I'm not sure why people like Snooki and the Kardashians are famous, either. As a school librarian, I appreciate a parent who sees through the whole celebrities who think they can write sham. I am sure that Chris B's "What a shame. Pathetic" comment had to be directed at Snooki, and not at you. Parents who actually do the job of parenting like you should be the famous ones! Write on! You should have a weekly column, Maryann!
Cheryl June 08, 2012 at 01:29 AM
Wow that was awesome! There is a difference between this author and good old snookie. Snookie has put everything out there and I mean everything with no regards to who's viewing it and this hard working mother who is raising thoughtful and educated children. Maybe we should learn from her and not focus on the media hype of a body not a brain.
Maryann June 08, 2012 at 01:37 AM
Thank you, Mary :) I appreciate the support!
Maryann June 08, 2012 at 01:40 AM
Thank you Cheryl. Totally agree about the media hype!
Petrina June 08, 2012 at 01:58 AM
There are actually people coming to the defense of Snooki? This is hysterical. So what is more pathetic? Snooki? Or the fact that there are actually people paying attention to her? Go roll some bandages for the Red Cross! Adopt a puppy! Clean up a park!
cat1 June 08, 2012 at 02:13 AM
I have to agree with the original blogger that you have to wonder what this country is coming to when people feel the need to come to Snookie's defense over a funny blog. Who knew a person "famous" for getting drunk, arrested and having sex on national television could evoke such strong emotions? I missed my calling evidently.
Chris B. June 08, 2012 at 02:20 AM
Just to clarify, I am not defending snooki. I couldn't care less about her. I don't watch her stupid show either. My point was, this site had a little bit of news value to locals and I enjoy checking in to see what's going on in Edgewater and Davidsonville. I am surprised that whomever is running this site would allow such a dimwitted story to be posted. For some reason this woman decides to write about some fading reality tv personality and she's under the impression people care about her opinion. That's the annoying part. Who asked for your assessment on Snooki or anyone else? What does it have to do with Edgewater or Davidsonville?
Kathie Farrell June 08, 2012 at 02:28 AM
Maryann, You are a great mother & awesome role model. I think Snooki needs a Social Worker... Maybe you can hook her (did I say hooker?) up? Please keep your sense of humor since you have lost your sense of sanity, it will help you through. The haters will hate. <3 Kathie
Maryann June 08, 2012 at 02:42 AM
Thank you Petrina. I agree. If you'll excuse me, I have some bandages to roll.
Maryann June 08, 2012 at 02:48 AM
Actually, Chris, there is a little icon at the bottom of the Patch site that says "Want to blog for Patch?". So, I guess Patch asked for my opinion. I gave it. They chose to publish it. There's also a tab for "blogs", which you have the option of avoiding completely, so that you can stick with the serious news of Edgewater and Davidsonville. And just fyi, I don't write with the impression that anyone cares about what I write. I write because I want to write. If people want to read it, great. If not, no one's forcing them. And, if people care enough to comment, they can do that, too. Which you obviously did. So thank you. P.S...some people find anger management classes incredibly helpful. Just a thought.
Maryann June 08, 2012 at 02:50 AM
Kathie, I appreciate your kind words. But please don't imply that Snooki is a hooker. It might cause a revolution.
Maryann June 08, 2012 at 02:50 AM
Cat, maybe you should write a book. I would love to come to your book signing.
Karen Hill June 08, 2012 at 03:50 AM
Very funny and thought provoking blog. As a mom I think it is important to look at these issues. Thank you.... and I hope the book tour skips Wake Forest. Sigh.
Maryann June 08, 2012 at 03:58 AM
Thanks Karen. Maybe you should just write her a letter :)
Jonathan Moynihan (Editor) June 08, 2012 at 01:21 PM
Chris, as the editor of Edgewater-Davidsonville Patch, I invite any and everyone to blog on a variety of topics they find interesting, entertaining of insightful. If you want to join in this blogger community, always feel free to email me at jonathan.moynihan@patch.com
Mary June 08, 2012 at 01:32 PM
Chris, just like a newspaper has editorials, opinion pieces and blogs, Patch.com has blogs, too! Feel free to skip over them, as they are clearly not what you're looking for, and a waste of your time. As a parent, I thought Maryann's writing was pretty relevant!
Amanda Hatton January 17, 2013 at 01:34 AM
I just came across this post and read the comments. Thank you for quite an entertaining time. I enjoyed your humor greatly! I have often wondered why I went through the trouble to getting two degrees when all I really have to do to be successful is to have no morals, be loud, and not be afraid to flaunt it all on TV. Hmmmm....good job Maryann!!
Maryann January 17, 2013 at 02:38 PM
Thanks Amanda! Fame is way too easy to come by these days!


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