A few months ago, it came to my attention that I couldn't see the TV very well.
Now, I tried the argument that I couldn't see the ticker tape at the bottom of MSNBC (oh, who am I kidding? Fine--I'll admit it. It was Bravo...) because our television was too small. Then, I argued that if we had a flat-screen HDTV, I would be able to see it just fine. But that would involve building built-ins (see--I had a plan...) and upgrading our cable package. I even tried rearranging the living room furniture so the sofa was closer to the TV.
Then, I realized the problem was me.
In my efforts to keep the rest of the family up to date with well-child visits, dentist appointments, flu shots, swimming lessons, and hearing/vision screenings, I kind of forgot about myself. Until I tried to get a refill on my contacts and I was told it had been "several years" since I was in, and I needed a new exam before I could get another refill on my prescription lenses.
Several years? Seriously? I mean, it couldn't have been that long ago!! I distinctly remember coming in just a few months ago. I remember it clearly since my doctor's wife had just had their first child, and the proud daddy had the baby pictures up in the office.
"Yes ma'am. The 'baby' is 3 1/2 now."
So, I make my appointment and discover, to my delight, that my prescription hasn't changed a bit. See! I told you I needed a new TV! It wasn't me! It was just the poor quality of our cable connection and the obvious need for an upgrade!
Yep--I needed an upgrade. But it wasn't for the TV.
What had apparently happened is I had the same prescription for my contacts, but my prescription for my glasses was old. Like, 5-6 years old. I must have decided not to change the lenses in my glasses because of some misguided desire to "save a few bucks" since I only rarely wore my glasses. At home. Preferably, in the dark.
(Yes, I have some "small" issues left over from late-childhood/early adolescence that involves glasses with the Pink Panther on the side. Followed by the glasses that were bright purple. I thought I was so cool....)
Anywho--I told the lady behind the glasses desk to just put the new lenses in my glasses. "Sorry, but the lenses for your prescription are too thick for these frames. You'll have to choose new frames."
What!!!! Those frames are practically new! They're hardly worn!!
Fine, I told her, just get me a pair that looks like these and cram the damn lenses in.
<<<sound of crickets>>>
"Ah, we don't carry frames like this much anymore. We keep them in the back for the more mature crowd."
"Excuse me? 'More mature' crowd? You mean, like 40 year olds?"
Nope. She meant, elderly.
Great. Just great. I have the style sense of a 90-year-old....
So, next came the grand procession of what I considered "hipster frames". I was sweating profusely, just imagining the snickers from my buddies at the bus stop Every pair I tried caused me to have an overwhelming desire to quote obscure poetry, listen to indie bands, or request a free-trade, organic green coffee with pasture raised soy milk.
Panicked, I started asking everyone in the whole office if I looked like I came off the set of "Portlandia". These frames were too dark! Too square! Too modern!
Holy crap. I was having a full mid-life crisis in the opticians office.
Finally, I just told the girl behind the counter (because, although a few years older than me, she was cute and stylish and her glasses looked adorable--she was "psychologically" a girl. And I was psychologically a dinosaur.) to just choose a pair that I looked decent in (and didn't cost as much as my mortgage payment) and just order them. I bought them sight unseen--figuring I never go out in public in them anyway, so who cared?
She assured me they weren't "hipster" (that hipsters had moved on to the Buddy Holly look, not the rectangular look, years before), and that they really did need to be darker than my hair. Thus, bright purple was out. Cringing, I signed the receipt.
I mean, really--what's the worst that could happen? If they were truly terrible, I could get another pair. In a decade or so....
So, I'm more than a little stunned when I picked them up and tried them on for the first time. I could see!!! I could read!!! And, I didn't look like a complete idiot!!! I might even consider wearing them at the bus stop. Or, heaven forbid, the grocery store!
So, I'm wearing them that night while I'm making dinner and MacGyver comes home.
"Oh geez--you got a pair of those stupid hipster glasses everyone has these days!"
At least they didn't have Pink Panthers on the side.